"So tell me, what is it that you plan to do/ with your one wild and precious life?"
--Mary Oliver

Saturday, November 07, 2009

the red thread

This is going to be a very short post, just an update on our baby situation.

To make a long story short, we are no longer trying to get pregnant. As it turned out, I simply couldn't handle being off of my fibromyalgia medications. My muscle relaxers, Advil, Excedrin, and trazedone (a sleeping medication commonly used to treat fibromyalgia) are all, without question, definitely verboten for anyone trying to get pregnant. And without them, I've wound up in one of the worst fibromyalgia flares in years. I've been in too much pain to function: unable to dress myself, drive the car, cook, get myself to class, type on the computer. So, after talking it over with my husband and my physician, the three of us made the decision that, for me, pregnancy is simply not an option. (If anyone has any doubts about whether or not fibromyalgia is a real, debilitating chronic pain syndrome, check out the mayo clinic website or web md.)

I feel as though I have lost an actual baby, not just the hope of one. I loved this sweet, precious little child, our little red-haired girl; she was planted firmly in my heart and mind, in my very being, and the grief of knowing that she will never come to exist is overwhelming right now.

But I know that I will survive this. And George and I KNOW that there is a child out there, waiting for us, waiting to become part of our family. In a funny way, being adopted myself, adoption, rather than pregnancy, seems like a normal way of becoming a family. So that is the plan.

I'm going to close with a quote I have propped up against my keyboard as I write; it was sent by a good friend when she and her husband adopted a little honey from China, and I have a feeling it's going to be my mantra for some time to come.

"An invisible red thread connects those who are destined to meet, regardless of time, place, or circumstance. The thread may stretch or tangle, but will never break."
--An ancient Chinese belief

Please keep us in your prayers, if you are so inclined.


Melinda said...

I just started reading your blog and I just wanted to let you know that I will be praying for you guys in this--not only for the right child to come to you soon, but also for comfort in this time.

Maria Therese said...

You are in my thoughts and prayers! My heart goes out to you! I have endometriosis stage four (another auto-immune painful condition like yours!).
We have been TTC for two years now without any success. I feel my dreams of being a Mother and holding a child in my arms disappearing and it just makes me feel so sad. We are also looking into adoption. My desire to be a Mother is so strong, I have to believe there is a child out there just for us! I will keep you in my prayers and pray you feel better soon!


LutherLiz said...

You are always in my prayers, my friend.

Roxane B. Salonen said...

Barb, I was delighted to see an update from you! Great to hear your voice. My father's husband is experiencing symptoms of fibromyalgia. Watching him in pain, I know it is real! I'm so sorry it has been such a trial, and reading about your sweet red-headed baby was so touching. I am so sorry for that loss, but thrilled to know that some child out there who truly is deserving of loving parents will get you instead. You will make a wonderful mother when the time is right. And you're right -- because you, too, were adopted, it will seem quite natural when the time comes, and your love for the child that God gives you is going to be overwhelming in a very good way. You will remain in my prayers. XXOO, Roxane

kristine said...

You're in my thoughts, Barb. I'm not going to say I'm sorry, because I'm sure you don't want people to feel sorry for you. I will think happy, good thoughts for you guys!

Barbara said...

Thanks ladies, for the support, prayers, and good wishes! I will keep you all posted on what happens next!!!

Mary Aalgaard said...

Barb, I just clicked over from Roxane's blog and found you. That is a beautiful quote, full of hope. Feel that hope and the love that surrounds you.
Mary, new blogger and blog follower.

KristenShenee said...

Hey there. I just started reading your blog and saw your latest one. My Mom has fibromyalgia also, so while I do not personally know what you are going through, I do understand a little. I hope that you start feeling better soon.

Also, I wanted to mention, have you thought about a surrogate? You and your husband could have your baby without you having to go off of your medication and someone else could carry the baby for you. My husband and I have actually completed our family and have been discussing my becoming a surrogate. I just thought that I would show you that there are options. Although, I do not disagree with adoption either. There are many kids that need homes.

I wish you the best of luck!

Madwoman of Preserve Path said...

Awesome post, Barb. You're helping me help my dear cousin, who is truly suffering with bipolar disorder. And I think of you often. I pray you'll have a happy Christmas. I just have this feeling that God is reserving a special task for you.

Molly Guthrey Millett said...

I've been so wrapped up in my own grief that I'm just reading this post now ... I'm sorry, Barbara. Thinking of you.