funeral today

I'm too exhausted to write about the funeral today...but I did want to write something in honor of the occasion. So here are the quotes I used in my eulogy:

"Life is eternal, and love is immortal, and death is only a horizon, and a horizon is nothing save the limitation of our sight."
--Rossiter Worthington Raymond

"We do best homage to our dead by living our lives fully even in the shadow of our loss."
--Jewish proverb

And mom's favorite prayer, the Prayer of St. Francis:

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace,
Where there is hatred, let me sow love,
Where there is injury, pardon,
Where there is doubt, faith:
Where there is despair, hope;
Where there is darkness, light;
Where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine master, grant that I may not so much seek
To be consoled as to console,
To be understood as to understand,
To be loved as to love;
For it is in giving that we receive;
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
And it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.
--St. Francis of Assisi

she's gone

Mildred Elaine Resch
Born May 10, 1928
Died April 15, 2007

Mom died at 12:40 am Sunday morning. George and I were both with her, and I held her hand all evening, until she drew her last breath. She suffered tremendously the last few days--I was praying that God would speed things up--but her last few hours were peaceful. I sang to her, kept talking to her and telling her I was there, it wouldn't be much longer until she would be home, with daddy and grandma and everyone she's missed for so long. The last several hours she was nonresponsive, so at one point, probably about 45 minutes before she died, I asked her to squeeze my hand if she knew I was there. And she squeezed.

George and I said the rosary and in her last hour, I prayed the Commendation for the Dying for her:

Go forth, Christian soul, from this world
in the name of God the almighty Father
who created you,
in the name of Jesus Christ, Son of the living God,
who suffered for you,
in the name of the Holy Spirit,
who was poured out upon you,
go forth, faithful Christian.

May you live in peace this day,
may your home be with God in Zion,
with Mary, the virgin Mother of God,
with Joseph, and all the angels and saints.

I commend you to almighty God,
and entrust you to your creator.
May you return to him
who formed you from the dust of the earth.
May holy Mary, the the angels, and all the saints
come to meet you as you go forth from this life.
may Christ who was crucified for you
bring you freedom and peace.
May Christ who died for you,
admit you into his garden of paradise.
May Christ, the true Shepherd,
acknowledge you as one of his flock.
May he forgive all your sins,
and set you among those he has chosen.
May you see your Redeemer face to face,
and enjoy the vision of God forever.

Her obituary is in the StarTribune today.

Eternal rest grant unto her, O Lord,
and may perpetual light shine upon her.
May her soul and the souls of all the faithful departed
rest in peace.
Amen.

looks like this is it

Mom has been declining rapidly this week and was diagnosed with pneumonia today. She has elected not to treat it with anitbiotics. Her nurse practitioner told me that she will probably die within the week, possibly within the next few days.

hospice

Mom has officially been in hospice for over a week now. She got pneumonia (which can be very deadly with emphysema) a couple of weeks ago (that's why she was listed in the intercessions, Emilie) but has apparetnly pulled through okay. The doctors tell me she has multi-systemic organ failure, all related to the emphysema of course, but this includes not only her lungs (pulmonary hypertension)but right-sided heart failure, atrial fibrillation, and her kidneys are starting to shut down a bit.

Now that she's in hospice she's a lot more comfortable because of the new medications they've added. So that is a huge comfort, anyway. I'm so grateful that she's able to still enjoy life. And most of our family has really rallied around her, too.

But I've been having panic attacks and constant nightmares, despite the wonderful support I've been receiving from some people. I'm seeing my doctor tomorrow, so hopefully she'll have some ideas.

Please keep all of us in your prayers.

And Liz, I'm wearing my prayer shawl at this very moment!

There is also the possibility that what they saw on her chest x-ray wasn't pneumonia at all, but a malignancy. it doesn't really matter, because the emphysema would likely kill her before the cancer did.

as we remember them

I meant to post this yesterday in memory of my dad, but was so overwhelmed with my mom's illness I never managed to get it done...however, I don't want the anniversary of his death to pass without doing anything in his memory. This is a Jewish prayer I found in a book about grief after he died, and I've always found it to be a tremendous comfort; it expresses so many of the feelings about grief and loss, and the world to come that I've come to believe since he died. He's always with me now; I can feel him patting me on the back and saying gruffly, "Good job, kid" or "hang in there kid, you're stronger than you think" or just being with me, smiling at me with that beloved twinkle in his blue eyes. So here's to you, daddy:

We Remember Them

In the rising of the sun and in its going down,
we remember them.
In the blowing of the wind and in the chill of winter,
we remember them.
In the opening of buds and in the rebirth of spring,
we remember them.
In the blueness of the sky and in the warmth of summer,
we remember them.
In the rustling of leaves and in the beauty of autumn,
we remember them.
In the beginning of the year and when it ends,
we remember them.
When we are weary and in need of strength,
we remember them.
When we are lost and sick at heart,
we remember them.
When we have joys we yearn to share,
we remember them.
So long as we live, they too shall live,
for they are now a part of us, as
we remember them.

the soul of the senate

Politics is not about money or power games, or winning for the sake of winning. Politics is about the improvement of people's lives, lessening human suffering, advancing the cause of peace and justice in our country and in the world.
--Paul Wellstone

On the morning of October 25, 2002, a small plane went down in the sleet and bitter cold of northern Minnesota, crashing into the swampy, densely forested earth only a few miles from the Eveleth Airport. There were no survivors. Among the dead were U.S. Senator Paul Wellstone and his wife Sheila.

I don't represent the big oil companies, I don't represent the big pharmaceutical companies, I don't represent the Enrons of the world, but you know what, they already have great representation in Washington. It's the rest of the people that need it. I represent the people of Minnesota.
--Paul Wellstone

I loved him. And four years later, I miss him more than ever. I miss his kindness, his compassion, his exuberance, his courage, his passion for the most vulnerable of our society, his idealism.

The year he died, Paul Wellstone introduced the Mental Health Equity Act, which would force insurance companies to give equal coverage for both physical AND mental health problems. My first day with the 2002 campaign, I told Paul my own story, about how my parents spent their entire retirement savings on my treatment for depression and post traumatic stress. He held my hand in his and listened, told me how sorry he was for what my parents and I had been through. I've had a lot of experience in politics, and I've told a lot of people my story, and I can vouch for the fact that Paul Wellstone genuinely cared. It wasn't just for show, it wasn't just an act he put on to win political support, his empathy for the suffering and the underdog was the driving force of his life.

There is a huge leadership void in the country...Self-interest is more than economic self-interest; it is also how you feel about yourself. Are you living a life consistent with the words you speak, are you helping others, are you helping your community or your country or your world? A winning politics is a politics of values that appeals to the best in people, that enables citizens to dream again to make a better America.
--Paul Wellstone

Shortly before he died, Paul Wellstone was one of only a few senators to vote against the Iraq war. Most of the pundits predicted his vote would cost him the election. But just a few days before the crash, Wellstone pulled ahead of challenger Norm Coleman in the polls for the first time that fall.

Paul Wellstone was the soul of the Senate. He was one of the most noble and courageous men I have ever known. He was a gallant and passionate fighter, especially for the less fortunate. I am grateful to have known Paul and Sheila as dear and close friends. Their deaths are a shattering loss to Minnesota, to the nation, and to all who knew and loved them.
--U.S. Senator Tom Daschle, October 25, 2002.

Running though my mind as I write this is a Jewish proverb: We pay best homage to our dead by living our lives fully even in the shadow of our loss. In my dresser drawer is a pin the campaign distributed after the crash which reads, simply: "Stand Up/Keep Fighting."

The future will not belong to those who are cynical or those who stand on the sidelines. The future will belong to those who have passion and are willing to work hard to make our country better.
--Paul Wellstone

(Quotations from Twelve Years and Thirteen Days: Remembering Paul and Sheila Wellstone, by Terry Gydesen.)

things i am brooding about today

1. How much I've missed in the lives of all of my bloggy friends since I was last online.

2. The amazing number of wrinkles around my eyes that have appeared since I turned 38 on Wednesday.

3. Why on earth the class of 1986 reunion committee thinks I would be willing to shell out $55/person to attend my 20th reunion next month--at Rock Bottom Brewery?! $110 for the evening (assuming I brought my husband, which of course I would) to go to a boring restaurant with mediocre food?

4. How there is is no way in hell I will be attending said reunion.

5. That it's sort of a relief not to go since I don't have any children or accomplishments to brag about anyway.

6. How much I wish that, having now reached almost forty years of age, that I desperately wish I had either children or accomplishments, preferably both (but especially children, or a child).

7. That at least I have a very sweet husband.

8. And Fiona.

9. That the atrocious weather we've been having for the last two weeks is really, really making my fibromyalgia flare up.

10. And my arthritis/migraines/chronic fatigue/allergies/asthma.

11. That last week I had flashbacks, and nightmares complete with soaking night sweats, almost every night. And again last night. Flashbacks+nightmares=increased depression.

12. That I am glad news gave George the evening off after all, although we could use the overtime pay (but then he's got 15 hours of overtime for this pay period already).

13. How incredibly grateful I am that --HALLELUJAH!!!!!--my mother-in-law is moving back up north nexth month.

14. How sad it is that my cousin Dave died of esophogeal cancer this morning. And that life is too short to brood so much.

Eternal rest grant unto him, Oh Lord, and may perpetual light shine upon him. May his soul, and the souls of all the faithful departed, rest in peace.
Amen.