"So tell me, what is it that you plan to do/ with your one wild and precious life?"
--Mary Oliver

Monday, December 10, 2007

still here

Yeah, I'm still alive. I've been having a lot of migraines lately, which is the main reason I haven't been posting. I have one right now, in fact, so I'll just post a brief update:

  1. I'm having a rough time coping with my mom's death; I've been really isolating myself and immersing myself in books and TV to avoid dealing with my grief. Not healthy, I know, and of course I'm missing her more desperately than ever now that Christmas is coming.
  2. No, I'm not pregnant yet.
  3. I'm also having a major identity crisis since filling for disability with my student loan provider. How do I rise above my illness(es)? I refuse to allow my sense of self to be equated with my disabilities--I'm just not sure how I can define myself anymore. And it's painful to accept the loss of so many of my dreams. There are many days (like today) when I feel basically worthless, that life is passing me by and I'm not really living, that because I'm not bringing home a paycheck I'm not an equal partner in my marriage (although George never makes me feel this way), that I'm not contributing anything to the world around me.
  4. I am doing one thing, though--George and I are participating in the Basilica's JustFaith program. Actually I'm a co-facilitator. More on this later.
  5. Well, two things. I'm singing with the St. Paul Seminary School of Divinity Chorale again this year. When I manage to make it to practice, anyway. Our big holiday concert (Lessons and Carols for the Baptism of the Lord) is on January 6; we're also doing a hymnfest in April and singing at the Archdiocesan diaconate ordination in May.
However, regarding my mom, I came across a quote about grief today that gives me some hope:

Only people who are capable of loving strongly can also suffer great sorrow. But this same necessity of loving serves to counteract the grief and heals them.
--Tolstoy


If mom's death has taught me anything, it's that broken hearts never completely mend, but at the same time they become infinitely expandable and more capable of love and gratitude than ever.

3 comments:

liz said...

Hey Barb - I'm sorry things have been rough lately.

Have you ever heard of a Blue Christmas service? It's a quiet service of contemplation and hope for people who aren't feeling so up for jolly Christmas festivities. We have gone to them for two Christmases now and I find them to be very moving.

Check out http://tinyurl.com/26ljbz for more info or a template for a service you can put together yourself if you're not feeling up to going out.

Hang in there, sweetie.

Vicki (aka Kodi's mommy) said...

I'm sorry about how you are feeling. I wish I had some words of wisdom that I could offer, but I don't.

I'm thinking of you.

LutherLiz said...

I'm glad to see a post from you. I was worried. I can't imagine how hard any one of the things you have to deal with is, but I can see how hard you try not to let it define you.

Let's do lunch soon! We keep saying it but we need to do it!