I've finally started to let go and cry when I feel like it instead of holding it in which, I am informed by my doctor, is much healthier and may even help my ulcer. But now my face is blotchy all the time, and sore. My darling friend Liz (of Random Thoughts of a Lutheran Geek) sent me a prayer shawl last month which I keep wrapped around me constantly, and I keep Fiona close by (or I should say she refuses to leave me side). I need to find other ways to take care of myself, though, so I can be there for mom.
At mom's care conference Tuesday, the staff said that her condition is stablilized, mostly, in my opinion, because she's up to her eyeballs in meds--she gets nebulizer treatments every four hours and now has liquid morphine on order for when she needs it, etc. Her doctor, nurse practitioner, and hospice nurse and social worker are meeting later this month to further discuss "end of life" issues, hospice evaluation, etc.
We are moving her things from her apartment this weekend, and I'm really dreading it. I bawled and bawled last night when I realized that it was our last Valentine's Day together. I'm already losing the mom I've always known due to her declining condition, and there are times (i.e. right now) I just feel that...I...can't...bear it.
Sorry my blog has been so depressing lately. I'm sure reading about all of this is a drag, and I'd love to be inspirational and optimistic and seeing the best of everything. But you know, I try to do that everyday with my mom, and most of the time I don't have anything else left in me. I just DREAD mornings because it's time to face another day.