"So tell me, what is it that you plan to do/ with your one wild and precious life?"
--Mary Oliver

Thursday, February 15, 2007

the last valentine's day

I've finally started to let go and cry when I feel like it instead of holding it in which, I am informed by my doctor, is much healthier and may even help my ulcer. But now my face is blotchy all the time, and sore. My darling friend Liz (of Random Thoughts of a Lutheran Geek) sent me a prayer shawl last month which I keep wrapped around me constantly, and I keep Fiona close by (or I should say she refuses to leave me side). I need to find other ways to take care of myself, though, so I can be there for mom.

At mom's care conference Tuesday, the staff said that her condition is stablilized, mostly, in my opinion, because she's up to her eyeballs in meds--she gets nebulizer treatments every four hours and now has liquid morphine on order for when she needs it, etc. Her doctor, nurse practitioner, and hospice nurse and social worker are meeting later this month to further discuss "end of life" issues, hospice evaluation, etc.

We are moving her things from her apartment this weekend, and I'm really dreading it. I bawled and bawled last night when I realized that it was our last Valentine's Day together. I'm already losing the mom I've always known due to her declining condition, and there are times (i.e. right now) I just feel that...I...can't...bear it.

Sorry my blog has been so depressing lately. I'm sure reading about all of this is a drag, and I'd love to be inspirational and optimistic and seeing the best of everything. But you know, I try to do that everyday with my mom, and most of the time I don't have anything else left in me. I just DREAD mornings because it's time to face another day.


robert swayze said...

Well changes are always there in our lives...and we cannot avoid them...we can only accept them and move on...well you can visit my blog on Inspirational quotes sometimes and i'm sure you'll find it helpful in your life!!!

Barbara said...

Excuse me, but how dare you trivialize my very real and deep grief over the loss of my beloved mother? Your blog is trite, boring, highly unoriginal amd I really don't know who the hell you think you are to speak of my mother's suffering and upcoming death so blithely as just "well one of those changes that are always there in our lives...."

The loss of a parent IS NOT the same as changing dentists or buying a new pet. And by the way, I'm a trained chaplain, so I think I have a far better idea than you do about dealing with loss and grief.

Missy said...

Oh Barb, try not to let that person's comments get to you. It looks like he is just trolling around other people's blogs trying to plug his own. You could always delete it and then it's erased forever!

I'm sorry to hear how hard your Mom's situation is on you. The prayer shawl from Liz sounds awesome! :) Hang in there, and don't worry about being depressing here... none of us mind I'm sure.

Take care,