"So tell me, what is it that you plan to do/ with your one wild and precious life?"
--Mary Oliver
Showing posts with label blessings and grace. Show all posts
Showing posts with label blessings and grace. Show all posts

Sunday, May 20, 2012

the little things

Yes, I'm changing my title again, for the third time. So far it has gone from "redhead report" to "gifts in the rubble" to, as of today, "the little things."I am only 5'1" after all.

I decided to change the name because the title "gifts in the rubble" was, supposedly anyway, more about the grace we find when we are going through "the dark night of the soul." (And that phrase comes from John of the Cross. I must have Carmelite mystics on the brain.) I have been there many, too many, times throughout my life, for various reasons. I don't want to ignore that, but I want to emphasize that grace is everywhere, that we are surrounded by God's grace and presence at all times and all places.

I have neglected my poor blog terribly over the last couple of years. Part of it was because I was experiencing chronic migraines--I've had to take two medical leaves from grad school--which have finally been cured, by Botox injections, as of the end of March!! I still have fibromyalgia, etc., to deal with, but the fibro I can cope with. Migraines just sent me straight to a dark room, literally and figuratively.

But I realized the other day that I haven't even mentioned one of the most important and exciting events in my life: I met my birthmom! (Okay, so this is NOT a little thing, although she is!) And I totally love her; she is such a sweetheart. Warm, kind, generous, intelligent, and of course, five feet tall. And she's a lot of fun, too. And I've even met my birthfather's family, and now I know where I get my red hair and skin that refuses to tan, ever. I'll write more about this next time, but I'll lever you with a couple of pictures of the two of us until next time.

Mom (Judy) and me, Xmas 2010

The two of us right after we met, in August 2010,
 One comment, though, before I go. My love for her does not any way change the love I still have for my adopted mom and dad. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of them, and miss them. It was my mom (Millie) who told me that hearts are infinitely expandable. As usual, mom, you were right!

Friday, February 27, 2009

friday five: the fork in the road

This week's Friday Five come courtesy of Singing Owl from RevGalBlogPals. She writes:

Friday, February 27, 2009

Friday Five: The Fork in the Road














"I am at a life-changing juncture. I do not know which way I will go, but I have been thinking about the times, people and events that changed my life (for good or ill) in significant ways. For today's Friday Five, share with us five "fork-in-the-road" events, or persons, or choices. And how did life change after these forks in the road?"

Okay, Singing Owl, here are my five forks in the road:

1. I didn't have a lot of say in this one, being five weeks old at the time, but the first big fork in my road came when I was adopted by Millie and Leonard Resch on October 24, 1968. It turned out to be a 38-year-long love story, lasting until my mom's death in 2007. I could not have been more blessed, both by the mom and dad who loved me and raised me, and the mom who loved me so much she was willing to give me up. I love all three of them, my wonderful parents, more than words can express.

2. At 19 I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and clinical depression. This led to years of therapy and, even more important, much painful soul-searching, trying to figure out where God was speaking to me in my suffering. And I found out that not only was he there, he was holding me, lovingly, and feeling my pain as his own.

3. At 27 I did a unit of C.P.E. (Clinical Pastoral Education), which is, basically, an intensive chaplaincy internship. It's impossible to sum up in only a few sentences what that summer meant for the rest of my life...suffice it to say, I fell in love with the work, am finally back in grad school (after years of struggling with fibromyalgia), and hope to work as a hospice chaplain once I get my degree.

4. When I was 32 I met my husband through mutual friends at the Basilica of St. Mary. Can you say instant lightning? We've been married for five years and he's my rock, the light of my life, and on many days, especially when my depression is bad, the reason I get out of bed. Our marriage tells me a lot about God's love for us--steadfast, constant, always forgiving. We want to adopt so we can share the love with which we've been graced with a special child.

5. Two years ago in April my beloved mom died of emphysema. I am still so lonely for her. But in the midst of her dying, she taught me, by example, what it means to have lived a good life, and what it means, for a person of faith, to go to meet her Creator. (Check out "top ten things I learned from my mother" under "select posts" near the top of the right-hand sidebar.)

Come on ladies, play along with me! Either on your own blogs, or in the comments box. :)

Monday, January 12, 2009

the day he died

He died face down in the cold, wet, new-fallen snow sixteen years ago on a shivery, white, mid-January Minnesota day. A day exactly like today. He was a husband and a father, a brother, an uncle, a nephew, a cousin, and a friend. And although Tom Brokaw hadn't coined the phrase yet, he was one of the "Greatest Generation" the United States of America ever has known.

He was born in 1919, the third of eleven children in a large, exuberant German-Catholic farming family. He was forced to leave school after fifth grade, at the age of ten, to go work and help support the family. That was the year he and his older brother Leo shared one pair of shoes; one day Leo would wear them, the next day, Leo's little brother got to wear them. In his teens he worked in the CCC--the Civilian Conservation Corps--sent all of his pay home to his folks, and remained a New Deal Democrat until the day he died.

He was sitting at the kitchen table filling out his card for the Selective Service (i.e. the draft) the afternoon he heard over the radio that the Japanese had bombed Pearl Harbor. Within a few years, he would take part in the bloodiest nightmares World War II had to offer: landing in the third assault wave on Omaha Beach, spending Christmas Day 1944 in some of the fiercest fighting the Ardennnes saw during the Battle of the Bulge, helping liberate one of the sub-camps of Buchenwald in the Hartz mountains of Germany (a work camp, not a death camp, was all he would ever tell me, adding a moment later that there wasn't any difference).

When he finally came home in September of 1945 and discovered that his mother had saved all of his combat pay (which he'd sent home for the family to use) in a bank account for him, he used the money to buy the place where the family had been tenant farmers. He, his dad, and brothers founded a construction company too, and built many of the barns and houses in the Rush City-Pine City area of Minnesota, a number of which still stand today. He was the son who stayed home to farm and look after his mom and dad, putting off marriage and family until his parents decided to move into Rush City to live with his sister Julie. He was always the doting older brother and uncle, though, the tease, the one who made sure every niece and nephew had a Christmas present. He was the reason his little sister Jo refused to let her boyfriends come visit her at home--she knew she'd NEVER hear the end of it once her big brother found out a boy liked her! (Funny, his daughter had the same problem many years later...)

But in 1963 he married the girl he'd had his eye on for more than a decade and they settled down together in Minneapolis. They adopted a tiny daughter of five weeks in 1968. He almost died five years later, when he suffered his first heart attack, but luckily, it was mild and he lived another nineteen years. He lived to stick by his wife through two separate bouts of breast cancer, to take care of his daughter when she had three back surgeries for scoliosis at the age of seventeen. He lived to teach his little girl to fish, to show her by example that nothing in the whole world ever comes before the people you love. He took her to the Shrine Circus (unaware that she was terrified of clowns), the State Fair, and, every year, to see the Christmas lights in downtown Minneapolis. He stayed up with her all night when, at eighteen, the boy she thought she loved stood her up to go out with the campus floozy.

He was my father. His name was Leonard Henry Resch, and I adored him beyond reason, beyond words. And sixteen years to the day he returned home to God, I still do. I always will. And it's one of the greatest gifts I've ever been given. Thanks, God, you may have him now--as long as you promise that some day, I'll see that twinkle in his eye again, and I'll get to kiss him on the forehead once more. That we'll all be home again. Together, at last.

Friday, January 09, 2009

gifts in the rubble

Yes, I'm still a redhead. No, I'm not planning to change my haircolor. I did rename this blog, formerly known as "The Redhead Report" however, because I wanted a title that is more congruent with what I'm feeling the urge to write about these days. Like many others I know, I've been through what, I guess, is a lot in my forty years (some days it seems like more than others!) but I've come to find that there many gifts that come with the healing process.

(Note: The following is taken from my grad school application essay.)

Sometimes, we find the greatest gifts in the rubble and detritus of our broken, shattered dreams. Grace, I have discovered, has a way of catching us unawares. We are all called to sainthood; each of us is designated to do the thing that we alone can do in this world to help bring about the Kingdom of God and spread the Gospel. Yet it may be that it is only through our encounters with the deepest, darkest depths that we can begin to see, clearly, the light, to discover our place in the pattern, and only then that we become filled with gratitude for God's love and grace.

I was diagnosed with severe post traumatic stress disorder at the age of 19. I was a consummate over-achiever in college--honor society, merit scholarships, a coveted internship with Senator Ted Kennedy--and I guess I assumed the world was mine for the taking: the sky was the limit. Then the flashbacks began, followed by the nightmares, the depression. My grades dropped, many of my friends turned away, my dreams of law school faded, and, it seemed, my world turned to ashes.

Yet as so frequently happens with God, the very weakness I despised led to my greatest discovery. For in my vulnerability, my brokenness, my comprehension of my complete, utter powerlessness, I gradually came to accept my total dependence on God, and God alone. It was only as I clutched desperately, in my despair, to the God who was all I had left, that I came to glimpse God's boundless, infinite love and compassion.

I was painfully forced to re-imagine the God of my childhood: the benevolent traffic controller who lived up above the clouds, in heaven. One by one, I discarded all of the platitudes I'd always heard during bad times, such as "everything happens for a reason" and "well, it must be God's will." Examining these old assumptions, I decided, firmly, that they didn't meet the test of child rape (which is what happened to me). I could not love or even respect, I knew, a God who could will something so evil, so destructive, to happen--for any reason. Forced to let go of the omnipotent, all-powerful God of my youth, I have slowly come to embrace, with surprising joy, the Christ of the Paschal Mystery. The thoroughly immanent God who chose to become one with us for no other reason than His immense love for us, and desire to call us to Himself.

Monday, August 04, 2008

the gratitude list

I'm Most Grateful For...
  1. My marriage to George. I still can't quite believe I'm lucky enough to be married to my best friend.
  2. The love and support of my friends and family, especially my Aunt Barb (for whom I was named), my Aunt Jo (my godmother) and my cousin Melinda.
  3. My faith and the incredible community at the Basilica of St. Mary.
  4. Turtle sundaes.
  5. My many wonderful, tender, funny memories of my mom and dad.
  6. That I have a darling puppydog to cuddle and play with.
  7. Books.
  8. Modern medicine!
  9. Sweater weather.
  10. A roof over our heads, clothes on our backs, and food on our table, which is more than many have these days.
  11. "The Closer" on TNT, along with Comedy Central's "The Daily Show" and "The Colbert Report."
  12. That I had the opportunity to work for both Senator Ted Kennedy and Senator Paul Wellstone.
  13. The Minnesota Twins (first place in the A.L. Central!), especially Joe Mauer, Justin Morneau and Joe Nathan. And that I got carded--twice--at the game Saturday night. :)
  14. The Minneapolis lakes, the Mississippi River and the North Shore of Lake Superior.
  15. That I have so many of my mom's and grandma's old letters, as well as my dad's photographs from WWII.
  16. Colorful maple leaves that crunch underfoot in the fall.
  17. My education at Boston College, which taught me how much I still have to learn.
  18. My curly red hair, pale skin and freckles, which I detested in my early teens, but learned to appreciate after I saw Molly Ringwald in "The Breakfast Club" and "Sixteen Candles."
  19. Sunscreen, big hats and sunglasses.
  20. The values I learned from my parents.
  21. My memories of growing up surrounded by a huge, exuberant and loving extended family-- especially at Christmas.
  22. Hair conditioner and anti-frizz products.
  23. The mother who gave me life, and my adoptive parents who were, quite possibly, the most terrific mom and dad ever in existence.
  24. My continued, and very real, sense of my mom's presence.
  25. Chocolate.
  26. The people I worked with and met as a chaplain intern. I received far more than I gave.
  27. That I was with my mom, holding her hand, when she died.
  28. That Barack Obama is running for president.
  29. That, despite a truly hideous audition, I'm going to be singing in the Contemporary Choir at the Basilica.
  30. That we are finally going to get Fiona to obedience lessons. Sigh.
  31. That I learned to apply Oragel to my eyebrows before I pluck them.
  32. My trusty little '96 Geo Metro.
  33. My subscriptions to Commonweal, U.S. Catholic and America, which give me hope that the Catholic Church will, somehow, be okay.
  34. Writing classes at The Loft.
  35. Pasta.
  36. My wonderful in-laws. Not only did I get a husband, but I gained a whole new family, too, complete with four sisters!
  37. Berry smoothies.
  38. Makeup, which makes me look as if I feel good even when I don't.
  39. Sunshine and blue skies.
  40. Laughter.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

top ten things i learned from my mother

Top Ten Things I Learned From My Mother
(In No Particular Order)


  1. She always told me that love is the only thing that really matters. You can lose your possessions, your job, and your health, but you can always hold on to the love. And in the final analysis, it's the only thing that makes life worth living.
  2. Decorate your house with bookcases, because you can never have too many books! Nothing ever seems quite so bad if you can curl up with a good book and a cup of hot cocoa.
  3. Class is not determined by money or social position; rather, a truly classy person is one who goes out of her way to make others feel comfortable and special. Classy people are warm and gracious.
  4. You'll never get old if you are always interested in other people and continue to learn new things.
  5. Life isn't fair. But that doesn't mean it can't still be good, even wonderful, if you retain a sense of gratitude and remember what really matters.
  6. God does not send us tragedy and pain. But he does give us the strength to bear them, the courage to face them, and the grace to learn and grow from them.
  7. Listen to your heart and follow your star. You never know where they might lead you!
  8. Yes, you are your brother's--and your sister's--keeper. Always remember that "whatsoever you do unto the least of them, that you do unto me."
  9. What others think of you doesn't matter. It's what you think of yourself that counts.
  10. It takes more muscles to frown than to smile--and holding a grudge takes too much energy.
Plus Two Extra:
  1. Never, ever, take the people you love for granted. And never hesitate to say "I love you."
  2. Tough times don't last. But tough people do.
(NB: This is from the eulogy I gave at my mom's funeral on April 19, 2007)


Monday, December 10, 2007

still here

Yeah, I'm still alive. I've been having a lot of migraines lately, which is the main reason I haven't been posting. I have one right now, in fact, so I'll just post a brief update:

  1. I'm having a rough time coping with my mom's death; I've been really isolating myself and immersing myself in books and TV to avoid dealing with my grief. Not healthy, I know, and of course I'm missing her more desperately than ever now that Christmas is coming.
  2. No, I'm not pregnant yet.
  3. I'm also having a major identity crisis since filling for disability with my student loan provider. How do I rise above my illness(es)? I refuse to allow my sense of self to be equated with my disabilities--I'm just not sure how I can define myself anymore. And it's painful to accept the loss of so many of my dreams. There are many days (like today) when I feel basically worthless, that life is passing me by and I'm not really living, that because I'm not bringing home a paycheck I'm not an equal partner in my marriage (although George never makes me feel this way), that I'm not contributing anything to the world around me.
  4. I am doing one thing, though--George and I are participating in the Basilica's JustFaith program. Actually I'm a co-facilitator. More on this later.
  5. Well, two things. I'm singing with the St. Paul Seminary School of Divinity Chorale again this year. When I manage to make it to practice, anyway. Our big holiday concert (Lessons and Carols for the Baptism of the Lord) is on January 6; we're also doing a hymnfest in April and singing at the Archdiocesan diaconate ordination in May.
However, regarding my mom, I came across a quote about grief today that gives me some hope:

Only people who are capable of loving strongly can also suffer great sorrow. But this same necessity of loving serves to counteract the grief and heals them.
--Tolstoy


If mom's death has taught me anything, it's that broken hearts never completely mend, but at the same time they become infinitely expandable and more capable of love and gratitude than ever.

Friday, October 12, 2007

four years?!


Yesterday George and I celebrated four years of wedded bliss by sleeping all evening. Last year he was sick, then this year neither of us felt well, so I suppose at this rate next year Fiona will be under the weather as well. At least we were both feeling wonderful on our wedding day! Besides, celebrating our marriage is hardly a once-a-year deal; it's something that happens everyday, one way or another. (Well, almost everyday!)

As grateful as I've always been for the gift of George in my life, this past year, as we've struggled with my mom's illness and death, has added a new dimension to my gratitude. He has been so loving and supportive throughout the whole ordeal. Without him I think--no, I know--I would have completely fallen apart. He's the one who keeps me going even on the loneliest, darkest days.

We've been through a lot together during these past four years in addition to my mom's death: my fibromyalgia, depression, ptsd and other assorted health problems, our constant money worries, not being able to have children, and his mom's declining health. It hasn't always been easy. But it has always been worth it. I can't imagine the world without him in it.

Sunday, January 14, 2007

let me call you sweetheart


At our wedding dance, I asked the DJ to dedicate the song "Let Me Call You Sweetheart" to my mom. I love this picture from the wedding; every time I look at it, I'm reminded how very, very much I am loved. A mother's love is an incredible, powerful thing (as you moms out there realize!). I often imagine God's love for us as something similar, like being cradled gently in my mom's arms, enveloped by a love so deep and enduring that it's beyond comprehension, a love that is pure gift.

Just like my mom's love has always been pure gift.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

three years and one day

I think the nasty weather we've been having yesterday and today is my fault. It's God telling me to quit complaining about rain on my wedding day three years ago (yesterday). I have to admit, I'm actually nostalgic for the rain; at least it was warm! And of course, it was a lovely day all the way around despite the rain--I was going through our wedding pics the other day, and re-lived the whole incredible day. (We were hoping to buy a printer/scanner with the anniversary money from my mom but, of course, we couldn't find one for $50. We'll probably bite the bullet and get the $80 one--I mean, who needs groceries?!--and if/when we do, I'll post some of our pictures.)

Because of the weather, we didn't do very much; we just went to Grandma's for a yummy and warming dinner. After George went to bed I sat up and cried for a long time. If someone had asked me on our wedding day if we'd be childless three years into our marriage, I would have said NO WAY. I would have been wrong, obviously. However, I'd marry him all over again in a flash. I still can't believe I found a thoughful, caring, talented and funny guy like George to share my life with, I really can't. Snuggling together in bed yesterday morning with our coffee, the newspaper, and Fiona, I felt a wave of pure contentment wash over me, and gave thanks. (There are many moments like that. I just always seem to forget to write about them!!!)

And I've come to realize something about love: Love doesn't come to us because we deserve it, because I've never done anything to deserve the kind of love I have with George. Love comes to us just because we are, not because of what we do. It's pure grace.

Thursday, August 03, 2006

surprised by grace

It's amazing how often grace slips between the cracks and slides into my life when I least expect it. The other night I wrote a very bitter, angry post about my chronic pain/health issues and all of the ugly feelings I've been wrestling with lately--the loneliness, isolation, feeling completely useless and unimportant. A few hours later, I went back and deleted my post, thinking my emotions were just too ugly and intense to share. The next morning while reading my email, I discovered that someone had read and answered my post in the three hours it was up:

From one redhead to another: Been there. Before I took myself back to school at the ripe old age of-well, let's not go there, shall we?-I was stuck with no job, no car, and very much alone. If I had died it would have been weeks before anyone knew about it. You will make it. Read Isaiah 41-I don't have a Bible handy at the moment-where He says, "I will help you." Hold onto that.
I loved your 21st Century Zen. It was the only belly roll laugh I had all day! Thank you. I needed it. Good luck on getting discovered. I enjoyed reading you.
--
Posted by The Wanderer to redhead-report at 7/31/2006 08:56:

This is the text from Isaiah, one that I have read many times but, for some reason have not remembered these past months:

But you, Israel, my servant,
Jacob, whom I have chosen,
descendant of Abrham my friend,
whom I have taken to myself,
from the remotest parts of the earth
and summoned from countries far away,
to whom I have said, 'You are my servant,
I have chosen you, I have not rejected you,'
do not be afraid, for I am with you;
do not be alarmed, for I am your God.
I give you strength, truly I help you,
truly I hold you firm,
with my saving right hand.

Do not be afraid, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by your name
you are mine.
Should you pass through the waters,
I shall be with you;
or through rivers,
they will not swallow you up.
Should you walk through fire,
you will not suffer,
and the flame will not burn you.
For I am Yahweh, your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Saviour.
(Isaiah 41:8-10;43:1-3)

Somehow, despite the physical pain, I realize now that I'm not alone. That, indeed, I never was. All I had to do was ask, and God was there. When I least expected anyone to hear me, I was answered by grace.


Wednesday, June 28, 2006

happy birthday dad!!

My dad's 87th birthday was Monday. Wow. I can't even begin to imagine him at 87; to me, I guess, he'll always be 73 at the most, which is not a bad thing: he never grew feeble in mind or body, and I never had to watch him suffer though a terminal illness. In fact, this week I've been remembering that I have so many things to be grateful for, that I am so blessed in the love and caring of my family and friends, and have been all my life.

On Monday, thinking about my dad, I realized that the flip side of the terrible agony of grief and loss is the comfort of memories; so often I feel my dad's presence and know that he's with me, and when I go over the times we shared together I feel immense gratitude that I was blessed with such a terrific dad (thanks, God!). The first few years after he died, the anniversary of his death (Jan. 12) was always such a painful day. In many ways, it felt as though the wound was reopened all over again, every year. But gradually, without my realizing it was happening, celebrating his birthday has come to seem the more natural thing to do, which, I guess, is how it should be: those we love are gifts from God, and should be celebrated and enjoyed as such!

June has always been my dad's month, in my mind. I think it's because both Father's Day and his birthday come so close together. On gorgeous summer days like this, when the sky is blue, the air is warm, and the birds sing, and the scent of roses and mown grass is in the air, I remember my father, and I am happy.

There's a lovely old WWII-era song that has come to remind me of my dad:

I'll be seeing you
in all the old familiar places
that this heart of mine embraces
all day through.
In that small cafe
the park across the way
the children's carousel
the chestnut trees
the wishing well.

I'll be seeing you
in every lovely summer's day
in everything that's bright and gay
I'll always think of you that way...

So many memories to take out and cherish, one by one: pink dresses..."walking on ice"...sitting on his lap drinking grape juice out of my bottle (my earliest memory of all)...getting my tricycle...long walks through the neighborhood, me pushing my pink plastic doll buggy, stopping at the corner store for orange dreamsicles..the Shrine Circus (an annual father-daughter trip)...fishing...trips with mom and dad and Bridget (our dog) up to Blue Lake Resort...the State Fair (also an annual father-daughter trip)..."our" flower garden...the smell of fresh varnish and paint (yes, strangely, I like them)...Gunsmoke (especially Festus!)... sawdust, the smell of freshly mown grass...my rolltop desk (gorgeous, solid oak, he made it for me when I was a teenager)...my dollhouse...putting up the Christmas tree together...going downtown to see the Christmas lights and decorations on the Nicollet Mall (yet another annual father-daughter tradition)...going to Midnight Mass and sitting between mom and dad...Sunday matinees...Laurel and Hardy on Sunday mornings (we went to mass on Saturday night, I still think it was so we could watch Laurel and Hardy on WCCO in the morning even though my parents would never admit it)...zucchini cornbread the summer of the Great Zucchini Takeover of the garden (shudder)...Memorial Day 1992...Baccalaureate mass and party at Boston College, 1991...and most of all, of course, the Minnesota Twins, so many games every year without fail, especially the 1987 season (Magic! as the Strib so aptly proclaimed)...our last conversation, when we laughed and joked for 15 minutes straight, (long-distance even!)....

Yeah, I've been blessed. Unbelievably, astonishingly blessed.